I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't even know it. I can imagine, there are probably people reading this thinking "what kind of moron doesn't know they are being abused?" I will tell you. I'm not an idiot, although I may be a bit naive at times. It all started out so innocently. We met at a bar, and there were a few small red flags. Emphasis on small. There were also quite a few good things, at least, I thought they were good things. Like the fact that he seemed so accepting of my daughter. On our second date, I told him that she needed a daddy and that I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone who wouldn't be that for her. He said that he loved her and loved kids. He said that she was more than welcome to call him daddy. Of course, all of this changed when we split up.
I can't believe I didn't catch any of the red flags. How did I miss the fact that when he got angry, he would routinely punch holes in the wall, or throw whatever he was holding? How did I miss the part where he got so much enjoyment out of scaring my poor dog? I ended up having to get rid of my dog because he was constantly scaring him and making it to where the dog was fearful of everything.
I was so excited at the idea of getting married and having a family that I didn't bother to worry about who I was marrying. Less than two months into our relationship, he was willing to get married. He didn't propose, he just said let's do it. Of course, I followed blindly and ended up pregnant right away.
I very vividly remember the first time someone pointed out to me that he was abusive. It came from a friend who was in no better of a relationship than I was. At least she had the brains to know what she was in. Her husband was a severe alcoholic who had cheated on her several times. And yet, this girl was pointing out the fact that my husband was controlling and that it worried her. She said as bad as her husband was, he would never talk to her the way that Brad talked to me. When I got off the phone with her, I cried inconsolably at the realization I just had.
It is so easy to justify everything. I remember thinking that he would grow up eventually and grow out of his temper. I remember thinking that I needed to be more careful so that I wasn't provoking him. I remember thinking "this isn't abuse, its just a little shove." And "at least he's not leaving bruises." And the ever so common "if I just keep the baby out of the bedroom, she won't disturb him and he won't have to yell at me."
He lied to me before we got married. He told me the house he was living in was his, when I ended up finding out that it was his dads house all along and he just lived in one of the back bedrooms. He would invite me over when nobody was home and showed me around claiming that the master bedroom was his. Among the other things that he lied to me about; he told me that he also owned property that ended up belonging to his brother. He told me that the herd of cows on that property were his and that his brother was living there as his ranch hand. After a few weeks of marriage, all of this stuff started coming to light. It was like a whirlwind in my head. I wanted to leave and I wanted out of this mess I had gotten myself into. I decided I was going to get out and annul the marriage. But by then, I had found out I was pregnant. I really thought that once the baby was born, maybe he would grow up and become a more responsible person. It never happened.
The first time I tried to leave him, was when we got our first taxes. It was an extremely cold winter and our electric bill was very high. We were waiting on our tax return to pay the electric bill. I came home one day and it was 38 degrees inside my house. Our electricity had been shut off and when I called him, he told me there was no way we could pay it. I ended up going to stay with some relatives that night. While there, I logged into the bank account online. That's when I found out that our tax return had already hit the bank account and he had spent almost $1000 on random things that he decided to order online. I was so mad that he would put our children in jeopardy like that. I went home to confront him about it, and he seemed sorry at first. When we got in the car together and got on the highway, we began to argue again. He told me to stop the car and let him out, but I didn't listen. His answer was to grab my emergency brake and pull it up while we were driving down the highway. Both kids were in the back seat. My car spun out of control into a ditch and was eventually stopped by a barbed wire fence. He actually told me that he did it so that I would listen the next time he "gave me a command". (What am I, a dog??)
I packed the kids up and left. I went to stay with my grandparents and only ended up making it a week or so before he begged me to come back home. At this point, I actually had the upper hand for once. So I told him that I would come back on the condition that he attends marriage counseling, anger management, and financial counseling. He only went to one meeting for anger management and told me that the program was stupid and that he wasn't going back. We went to two marriage counseling sessions before he decided that the therapist and I were ganging up on him. The financial counseling, he actually finished. However, he never ended up putting any of it into practice.
One day, he came home and said "I'm moving out." I was not going to beg him to stay, which apparently made him angry.
He cleaned out all of our bank accounts and hired a lawyer to take the kids away from me. It has been almost 2 years since I have seen my children.
Since he wouldn't let me work while we were married, I had no way to pay the bills and ended up getting evicted from our rental house.
He and his lawyer lied to me. I was told that I would be allowed to watch the children while he was at work monday through friday. I was told that if I did not sign the divorce papers he had given me, that I would "never see those fucking kids again."
I didn't realize how bad things were until someone pointed it out to me. I called domestic violence intervention services for counseling on how to leave. They helped me to a certain extent, but there was no legal assistance without paying for it. I had nothing. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I thought he would do what was right for the kids and let me see them during the week. I was wrong. He and his pregnant girlfriend packed up and moved to Ohio.
I am currently in a court battle with him to get my children back. I went to DVIS to get my records and ran through some of the things I had written about him. It still gives me chills when I read the question: do you think your partner would kill you? I checked yes.
When my current husband and I first started dating, it was pointed out to me exactly how damaged I was. I had no idea. I remember him getting so mad when I told him that if he wanted to go and "sew his wild oats", I would wait for him. My best friend was standing there when I said it and they both immediately began to lecture me on how wrong that was. I legitimately thought that it was totally OK. I thought "men have needs, if I can't meet those needs, I need to let him go out and get them met."
It's like my brain has been totally rewired. My husband now makes me stand up for myself. I would never take that behavior from him. I expect better from him because he has taught me that I deserve it.
I think it is easy for girls to say, "I would never let a man hit me, yell at me, shove me, threaten to kill me, or make me afraid to go home." But, until you are living it, you never know what you are willing to accept. It doesn't all start at once. These men ease you into it. Little by little, he tore down my walls. He made me think that I deserved everything that "happened" to me. He made me truly believe that this was a normal relationship. He convinced me that no one is really happy, but that everybody lies. He would point out my friends posting things on Facebook about how happy they were with their spouse, and say that they must be lying because they don't want anyone to know about their problems. Of course, I totally understood this. I never told anyone about the things he did to me. It was embarrassing. How could I let myself get this way? I remember thinking to myself God must be punishing me for something I did wrong.
I have court in a little less than a week. Hopefully, the judge will see what is right for these kids. Hopefully, I will get my babies back. Below, I will post some pictures from the last times that I have seen my kids. Hopefully, I will have a post coming soon with updated pictures of them.
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